WHAT AN IDIOT BOX!!

I haven’t written anything in a long time. I used to write for the college newsletter, but college is long gone now, and in all probability the only person who’s going to read this will be my ex-girlfriend, who as I recall, was the only one sweet enough to actually laugh at my wry and warped sense of humour. Wow, thats a long sentence, (see what I mean!!).

I really don’t know what I’m typing this for, probably cause I’m bored as hell, but mainly because I just feel like typing utter rubbish. I’ve just finished reading a few books, the white tiger by Arvind Adiga, being one of them, and I got this inane feeling to jot down my own thoughts. Ah fuck it, no thoughts on that book, other than the fact that it was brilliantly written, and the protagonist is a real douchbag.

So what do I write about. I guess the most recent thing would have to be the attack in MumbaI over the last few days. Naa, too depressing. I need to talk about something more uplifting. I know I ll talk about making a movie, the entire “Alice in Wonderland” musical, performed by Robbin Williams, and thats it. I can see the trailer now, (in that killer deep trailer guy voice) “The movie we have all been waiting for, over the last 10 seconds or so, it has song (Robbin Williams singing), dance (Robbin Williams dancing), humour (Robbin Williams humouring) and emotion (Robbin Williams wearing a big round red thing on his nose). The time has come, ALICE IN WONDERLAND, starring Robbin Williams as Alice, The White Rabbit, The Mouse, The Dodo, and a whole bunch of people he can imitate I really don’t care to remember right now. Written by Robbin Williams, Edited by Robin Williams, and directed by................................................. Quentin Tarantino.

Rated PGXXX”.

Wow now that’s a you couldn’t pay me in gold to see. Except maybe if Angelina Jolie makes a cameo. Now that would be cool.

K, I’m back from my hour long daydream of that movie, with that special cameo. I guess I might as well talk about something I’m really passionate about. Advertising. Oh yes the sheer joy of manipulating innocent victims into buying shit they don’t need gives me an odd sense of.... satisfaction. And we’ve all heard of that “sex sells” stuff, but I recently discovered something new. Shit Sells, too. Let me explain. I never realized how badly I needed a new washing machine until the sexy girl with the enormously titillating personality in a washing machine ad told me so; I was unaware of the importance of moisturizers in my life until the sexy girl with the perfect pair of big round eyes in a commercial reminded me of it; I never thought lime-scented mosquito repellents completed me until the sexy girl with two massive mosquito bites in an advertisement told me so.

And I’ve finally learnt some valuable lessons, which no management institute will tell you. Advertising has imparted four fundamental rules to human society-four rules which we hold close to our hearts like a priest holds an altar boy. Rule one: People who can’t afford expensive commodities are equal to assorted pellets of monkey crap. Rule Two: Unbelievably attractive women who look like supermodels will choose you over filthy- rich body-building giants provided you use a certain brand of toothpaste or chew a certain kind of gum. Rule Three: You will be the most popular person in the world if you trust everything that you read, see, or hear around you. Rule Four: The world is a beautiful place as long as you keep buying stuff.

Advertising, if done the right way, has the power to sell even new inventions. I have come up with a very innovative idea that I believe would take the world by storm. My idea is to create shoes with in-built socks. Think about it; no more searching for matching socks, no more taking the shoes off and then the socks off. It’s all taken care of in one quick motion. I haven’t yet figured out a way to advertise it yet but I’m pretty sure there will be at least half a dozen sexy girls with large mosquito bites.

Well, what else, what else? I was actually pondering over something before the movie and ad campaign. Oh yes, Obama!! Everyone seems really happy that a black guy has won the elections for the first time in American history. Yes I am happy for him and the 52million who voted for him. But I also feel sad in a way. I mean wasn’t it great to have a President like George “Dubya” Bush, eh!?! Yeah I know he caused all those wars in Afghanabaluchiwaziristan, and caused untold death and suffering throughout the world, but at least he made us laugh while he did it. I, for one, would like to salute Bush, and say “So long and thanks for all the memories, ASSHOLE!” Oh he’s waving back, so sweet he doesn’t know I’m insulting him!

Now back to Obama. You know I’m really happy for the African American community. I mean they really have been through some major shit, and over the last 50 years or so, they really stuck it to the white man. Lets take sport for example. We now know that genetically speaking, Africans are really quite athletic (go figure, no wonder they made such great slaves). Like boxing, white men ruled the sport, up until, Muhammad Ali. And then Tyson came and bit someone’s ear off, but that’s a different story. And what about the manly sport of golf, where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care. And such an athletic sport too, whack the ball, get in the electric cart. Whack the ball get in the electric cart. And don’t miss the electrifying commentary in this sport. “We’re on the third green now. Could people be quieter I’d like to hear the grass grow.” I want the guy who does South American football to do the golf commentary, one time. “the ball is rolling, and its a ................. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!” Just to see all those whaspy old Englishman with names prefixed with lord or sir, and surnames ending with “ton” say, “Oh dear Christ, they’re not gardening their playing now!” Because that was their last domain of dominance, it was their area; they were the king, up until....... Tiger!! Son of a black man and a Thai woman, not even a German genenesist would have thought of that one. Black athletic ability, Buddhist concentration. Crouching putter! And all the afore mentioned lords and Sirs would start having nightmares about pimped up electric carts, blasting away phat rhymes! “Yo yo yo, I’m comin thru, whether your a gentile or a jew, Yo motherucker yo!”

All gentle sports are no longer gentle, have you noticed that. Tennis used to be “tic.. oh, tic.. oh.” Up until the William sisters “Whack... AYE, Whack.... AYE, AYE...AYE...AYE, AGGGGGHHHH!!” 15-love. “No, that’s good love baby.”

I guess I’ve made my point, though I don’t remember it anymore.

Ok I’ve been typing absolute crap for the past hour now. And its what 03:30 in the morning. I think I need to sleep, after I watch a couple of Family Guy episodes. I thinks thats where I get my rambling from.

Good night.